How you help your grieving families choose between having a burial or cremating their loved one’s remains is a critical step. When the deceased has already made his or her wishes known, it is just a matter of following through. The wishes can be official through a will or other written document, or undocumented but expressed orally at some point to a family member, friend or attorney. When the preference is pre-dictated, you can easily guide your clients through the subsequent decisions.
If the deceased has not expressed his wishes, however, it falls on the family to try to come up with a solution that their loved one probably would have wanted or would be happy with if he or she were here. In their deep grief, families often grab for the most expensive, most elaborate, “money-is-no-option” option. Sometimes this will enable the survivors to be at peace with the decision. Other times, they over-spend out of guilt or other emotional reasons, and then afterwards blame you for taking advantage of them when they were vulnerable. Not good for your reputation or your ongoing connection with your community.
To prevent this from happening, you need to ask probing questions that will reveal the survivors’ feelings behind the decisions they are trying to make. The best way to start is with non-threatening questions, such as, what type of person was the deceased? What did he think was important in life? Someone who enjoyed fine living and who always bought the best quality might have wanted his burial to express his lifestyle. On the other hand, someone who preferred a simpler life, with less emphasis on material things would not want any unnecessary money spent on him for his funeral.
Once you have determined what made the loved one happy and what his or her values were, bring up the options of burial versus cremation. Some families prefer burial because it is a family tradition, the burial plots or mausoleum crypts may have already been purchased, or the loved one always wanted to be with his or her spouse who had died years before. Burial is also a way to keep the loved one secure and nearby, easy to visit and to show respect to. It lets family and friends feel they are honoring him by preserving him in a beautiful casket with a headstone or memorial plaque. Certain religions only allow burials, and often people’s beliefs about the afterlife dictate that a person’s body must be protected.
Although burial has been the traditional rite of passage for most countries and in most societies, cremation is fast taking the lead for a number of reasons:
- On the whole, cremations are less of a financial burden on the family if they choose not to have a rented casket, a viewing and an elaborate funeral, opting instead for a memorial service after the cremation. In this uncertain economy, this is a deciding factor for some families, who want to honor their loved one, but whose finances are tight. Often, though, even when cost is not a factor, people opt for cremation for a variety of personal reasons.
- Cremations are more “natural.” Scattering the ashes blends the body with nature faster than burying it in a casket. This can allow the final memories of the loved one to be in a favorite location, like the woods or the seashore, rather than a cemetery. Christians who believe that the spirit has already been released and that the body should be returned to the earth, “ashes to ashes,” may feel more comfortable with this.
- Also, related to the desire to stay natural, are concerns about the environmental impacts of burials. Since caskets take up space in the ground, some people believe that this could affect the environment. For those people, cremation is a better option.
- Families may be concerned that if the loved one was residing in a retirement community far from the rest of the family, there will be no one to tend the grave, so cremation allows them to easily transport the deceased back home close to them.
- If the survivors have religious or cultural reasons for requesting cremation, or they just can’t bear to picture their loved one in the ground, cremation is an alternative that meets both spiritual and emotional needs during this stressful time.
Although you may personally have a preference for burial or cremation, you cannot let this influence your conversation with the surviving family. This has to be their choice because it is a crucial part of their grieving process. Your flexibility will ease the pressure on them and enable them to make the decision that is right for them.
