Unfortunately many of us have had to experience the difficulty of dealing with loss or the death of a loved one or someone dying we hold dear; quite often we find it a challenge to deal with this grief or the grieving process. Dealing with death can be quite traumatic. Mentally we can experience psychological obstacles which if not understood or treated correctly can prevent us from coming to a place of acceptance and having peace of mind.
When a grieving person refuses to accept the loss Psychologists call this the “denial phase”. For example, a spouse might refuse to believe their spouse is dead and may try to wake him or her up, completely not accepting the reality of the death. Others throw themselves into focusing on work or hobbies, anything that may distract them from reality or keep them too busy to “think”. The refusal to use words such as “dead” or “gone” is another indication of denial. In order to overcome this phase, the visualization that comes with attending the funeral or graveside burial is an important step. It’s hard to elude the reality and the finality of death surrounded by others who are also grieving and seeing the process of remembrance unfold in front of you. However, it is most important to remember each individual will take their own time to accept the realization of death and to accept the truth. Often others who mean well try to force the acceptance of this reality which can only worsen the situation.
Denial Phase
The denial phase is often followed or experienced along with the “anger phase”. The person may become angry at the injustice of the loss, the reality of how their life might now change or become complicated because of the loss or questioning why with no clear answer. This anger is often directed at those around the grieving person who are closest too them, or at those who may not have done enough to save the person, or against “God”. Sometimes anger is even self-directed. The individual is angry at themselves for surviving. When this anger is self directed quite often depression sets in especially if the person keeps it bottled up inside them and does not express their feelings. Expressing your feelings, especially anger to family and trusted friends is extremely important part of healing. Family and friends need to ensure they are listening and not trying to “solve” the problem. Anger is a justified feeling and sensitivity is required. If friends and family discover any trace of frustration over the loss, then they should encourage the person to vent and express their anger and just be there to listen. Friends and family need to keep watch that the person experiencing and expressing their anger does not turn destructive. The healthiest way to express anger is by screaming, crying, cursing or pacing around yelling with exaggerated hand gestures. These are all reasonable expressions of anger which is a justified and normal emotion.
Anger Phase
Often the anger phase is followed or mixed in with the “depression phase”. Hopelessness can set in as the realization hits home that the person who has died will never return. The process of moving on or learning to let go can result in depression. Depression like all the grieving steps is not on a time schedule and is different for each individual. Some people overcome depression fast, while others struggle for many months or even years. A person who is grieving to the core of their being does not necessarily mean they are a clinically depressed person. You are only considered depressed if the grieving period seems to be extended and is accompanied by the refusal to accept support, loss of self-esteem and physical abnormalities such as sudden weight gain or weight loss or change in grooming habits. In these extreme cases medical help should be sought. Never shy away from seeking professional assistance. In the depression phase, it is normal to feel like crying uncontrollably or to not really feel at all. You should never be ashamed of these feelings. Tears can be healing but if the tears continue or the “numbness” continues for months, medical assistance should be sought.
Eventually as the person journeys through all of these phases they eventually get to the “acceptance phase”. It’s hard to remember new days bring new beginnings as you continue to love and miss your loved one. But remember that eventually you will come to a place of acceptance that death is an unavoidable part of the cycle of life. It does get easier with time. Different kinds of people with different interests can respond to a variety of mediums to assist with perspectives on loss and grief. Music, movies and books sometimes say what we are thinking or feeling but can’t seem to express ourselves and can help shift our perspective from our own loss and grief to a wider perspective of the world that goes on around us. The acceptance phase of grief does not minimize the difficulty of dealing with loss or the death of a loved one or someone dying we hold dear and quite often results in assisting us with the challenge of dealing with our grief and the total grieving process.
