Grief is something that everyone, at some point in their lives, must experience. Everyone’s personal grief may manifest itself in different ways. However, researchers have come up with the 5 stage of grief, which are five different emotional stages that most people experience when they are in grief or mourning. The 5 stages of grief were first proposed by Elsabeth Kubler-Ross, in her now famous 1969 book “On Death and Dying.” Since its publication, the 5 stages of grief have been used extensively in literature, non-fiction, therapy and books which seek to enlighten and comfort those who may be experiencing grief or know someone who is currently grieving.
Denial and Disbelief
Denial and disbelief is usually the very first reaction someone has after learning about the death of a loved one. Denial is a natural defense mechanism, which is often used to lessen the immediate blow of the death by attempting to bring comfort. Denial and disbelief often manifest in the inability to comprehend the situation or the delusion that the event has not really happened or is even a part of a dream. “I can’t believe this is happening”; “He’s not really dead”; “This is just a dream, I’m going to wake up.”
Anger
Anger is the second stage of grief, which often emerges after the sense of disbelief and denial begins to wear off. Anger is often expressed as a way of deflecting pain on others, in order to spare ourselves from feeling all of the pain directly. Anger may manifest itself in many ways. This can include physical anger, such as throwing objects or breaking household items; verbal anger, such as yelling at friends, family members, or even strangers; internal anger, anger directed at yourself; even anger directed at the deceased. Regardless of who or what the anger is directed at, it is often a way of masking guilt and pain with an angry front. Anger may often be expressed with words such as: “How could the doctor fail to keep them alive?!”; “I hate you for leaving me!”; “You should have been there for her when she was dying!”
Bargaining
Bargaining is a complicated emotional feeling which we often recognize is irrational, but cannot help but experience. In the bargaining stage, a person often makes bargains with God, the universe, other religion’s higher powers, or abstracts. Bargaining is often reflected by making deals with these higher powers in order to reverse someone’s death or postpone someone’s illness. Bargaining is often expressed with words such as: “If you bring my father back, I’ll go to church every Sunday”; “I swear I’ll never touch another cigarette if you don’t let her die.”
Depression
The depression stage of grief often follows two types of depression. The first type is sadness, regret and sorrow at the loss of a loved one. This sadness is often eased by the support of friends and family. The second type of depression in this stage is a more pervasive and subtle type which may not be easily lifted by kind words or memories. Some people experience this stage for an especially long period of time, or find themselves becoming isolated or severely depressed.
Acceptance
The final stage of grief may not be reached by everyone. This stage is identified by feelings of calm regarding the loved one, instead of depression and intense sorrow.
Although the 5 stages of grief are listed in a certain order, they are not set in stone and are mostly interchangeable. For example, you may experience the stage of depression before you experience the anger stage of grief. It’s important to know that not everyone experiences every stage of grief, and you do not need to feel like you ‘must’ go through each stage to reach acceptance or peace. Additionally, everyone may experience each stage for a longer or shorter amount of time than others. Some people may experience denial very temporarily, such as for a few days, while you may find yourself still in the denial and disbelief stage two or three weeks later. Some people may experience anger for a few days, while you may find yourself still in the anger stage of grief months after your initial loss. People may also experience each stage at a different intensity level than is found in others. Grief is a natural process which may take years to fully understand and experience. However, if you feel that your grief is making you unnaturally upset, or that you might harm yourself due to intense depression, you should seek help in the form of a friend, a therapist or a physician.
