When counseling grieving families, every once in a while you come up against a brick wall. Family members can’t agree on the wording for the obituary or which cemetery to use or how much to spend on the arrangements. Whatever the problem, the result is that the funeral planning screeches to a halt.
When families disagree, there are usually several hurdles that you must surmount before you can complete their funeral arrangements. “The biggest hurdle” in this case is finding out who the decision-maker is and convincing the rest of the family to acknowledge that person’s right to make the final decisions about the funeral, even if they don’t agree on details. Once this is done, any other hurdles are easier to jump. Since the family members aren’t seeing eye-to-eye, you may need to find a way to mollify or distract them. They may have accepted the fact that they won’t get everything they want in the funeral, but they still hope to have a say in it. Talk to them. Get a feel for the part of the preparations each family member cares most about. Then divide and conquer. Go over the list of things that must be done and encourage each of them to take charge of the task that most closely fits their concerns. Giving them each an important responsibility could diffuse a lot of the pent-up emotions and get them cooperating.
Sometimes, the pressure of making a decision on the spot is “the biggest hurdle” for a grieving family. If the family members are hesitant to decide on a casket despite your normally-effective closing skills, hand them the brochures and encourage them to sit down and talk it over while you leave the room for a few minutes. This way they can relax without feeling that you are hounding them. They know they have to choose. They just don’t want to feel as though they are being rushed into the decision. Occasionally a family will prefer to go home to weigh their options. In that case, bring them back to your office and complete as many of the rest of the arrangements as possible before sending them home. Offer to be on call if they have questions and have them to come back the next day at a specific time with their casket decision.
Of course, every family is different and no two situations are alike. If you run into a serious snag, start probing to see what is bothering your clients. As you engage family members in discussions about various aspects of the funeral process, you will be able to pinpoint what issues, or hurdles, are preventing them from moving forward. By zeroing in on the toughest challenge first, you clear the air, so to speak, and in doing so, enable your clients to begin trusting your judgment and expertise.
Once you have tackled that biggest hurdle, whatever it is, very often everything else falls into place. After seeing how you handled their most distressing issue, the family is usually more open to letting you do your job. Even if there are a few more hurdles to conquer, you have already proven that you could overcome the toughest one.
