In the process of trying to be sensitive to your grieving family, it is possible to be overrun by them. This is not something they do intentionally. Their world has been turned upside down, so in self-preservation, they try to deal only with the crisis and not “sweat the small stuff.” As a result, they are often inconsiderate to other people—and that includes you.
You know that you need to get very specific answers in order to do your job effectively. When those answers are not easily forthcoming, and the family is resistant—even hostile, you have a choice: Do you back off and give them more time, or do you press on and urge them to make critical decisions?
The age-old stereotype of funeral directors only caring about the deceased is a tough one to overcome. Some people make this assumption before ever meeting you and refuse to let you help them start the grieving process. Others feel you can’t possibly understand what they are going through, despite the fact that you have both training and a wealth of experience to draw from. Still others, in their desperation to hold on to their loved one, see you as “the enemy” and take everything you say as an assault or an affront to their lost family member, such as, ‘How dare you talk about cremation?’
In trying to be sensitive to where they are coming from, it is possible to let them run roughshod over you, tying your hands and preventing you from completing the tasks that are for their benefit. The way to regain control is to remind them that what you are doing IS for their benefit. Then go over the list of things that must be done, from alerting family and friends to determining the deceased’s wishes to for his funeral and burial. A way to get them on your side is to ask them what their loved one enjoyed most in life. Encourage them to build the funeral or memorial service around that theme. Ask them how long they think it will take to notify everyone about the funeral and have them start making a list of whom to contact. Jot down notes on paper as they discuss matters and then give it to them along with your own “To Do” List so that they can use them as a guide.
You may find certain family members obstinately opposing your suggestions; this is their way of trying to control their emotions while attempting to make things the way they were before the death. Ask them what they prefer and try to integrate that into the overall plan. The more you involve the family in actively making decisions, no matter how small, the less they will try to take the steering wheel out of your hands.
Sensitivity and control are not mutually exclusive, but it is a balancing act. You can express genuine care while maintaining your authority as a funeral home director. Demonstrate your knowledge and experience in each aspect of the preparations, while taking time out to respond to their concerns. Being aware of the ways people respond to a death will allow you to be sensitive while at the same time systematically moving your grieving family through the process.
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