Whether there was no will, or the deceased didn’t bother to include his (or her) wishes for his own funeral, the grieving family has the same dilemma: what kind of funeral to have. This is not something most of them want to deal with right now. It was bad enough losing their loved one. Now, getting up the energy, the emotional fortitude and the “will” to plan out a funeral is more than many can handle alone.
They will lean on you for this. Although some people are great at logistics and can spring right into action, most will be overwhelmed by this multi-faceted task. Corral together your family’s decision-makers and find out if their loved one ever mentioned if he preferred being buried or cremated. Did he want a funeral or memorial service, for family members only or open to the public? If the deceased left no instructions, get a feel for what the surviving family members would like.
Check with them as to the budget available, then offer options. Ask if they plan on flowers versus donations to charities and whether they want a portrait of their loved one on display. Outline the details of the trip from the funeral home to the cemetery to the reception. Mention everything that typically needs to be done—from contacting the newspapers and insurance companies to obtaining copies of the death certificate—because, most likely, there are a few things they will not think of.
One or more family members may volunteer to plan out the funeral or memorial service, but if no one comes forward with ideas, you will have to coax them along. See if they prefer a formal service in their church, synagogue, or mosque, a service at the funeral home chapel, or an outdoor gathering. Do they want an open casket, closed casket or no casket? Guide them through selecting music, inviting people to share memories, and setting up a reception. Your caring presence and expertise will enable them to do what they have to do, while you do what they cannot.
Reassure your grieving family that, as hard as it is, their efforts to put together the funeral or memorial service will be worth it for the precious last memories they create and for the comfort everyone who attends the service will receive.
